Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Sadness in My Soul

Do you ever just feel sad? I mean there is sad where you cry and then there is just sadness where you kind of feel like you want to cry, but it just doesn't come. You just need to be sad and can feel it deep into your core.

That's how I feel today.

We found out yesterday that Dan has more swelling in his right eye. He hasn't lost any more vision, but the vein is really swollen. We are to go back in two weeks to see how it is then.

We have had almost 6 months of no vision loss which has been a wonderful respite from the chaos of running off to emergency appointments and then just the regularly scheduled two week appointments.

Dan's doc is close to Philly so it's an hour and fifteen minute drive, a 2 hour wait for the doc and then probably about an hour for the actual appointment if they have to take pics of his eyes, etc.

Don't get me wrong I love that we a great doctor, insurance that covers most of the costs, and many people who care for us enough to take our children in when needed and to pray for us so faithfully to get us through these times. But, I have to admit, it's hard. We have enjoyed the break from so many appointments, but it looks like they will be starting up again.

So, I'm sad. Mostly, I am sad for Dan. No matter what he does it seems his right eye just does not want to keep seeing things. Darn that right eye! Doesn't it know that seeing is a good thing??

Dan has slowly been tapering off of the prednisone which has been wonderful. While prednisone can help in so many awful illnesses, it comes with terrible side effects, none of which will make Dan sad when they go away.

Dan has also been doing monthly IVIg treatments which really seemed to be helping, but now I don't know. He has another treatment next Monday and Tuesday which will be his final treatment. These treatments are extremely expensive ($20-30,000) per treatment. Have they really just been a salve for a time?

So, I guess we'll just continue to take things one day at a time, and see what the different docs say in the coming weeks.

Now, I know that there are much worse situations out there. I mean, immediately I am thinking of families suffering through cancer treatments, the death of a child, a family killed in a terrible accident where only the father survived. Awful, awful things!

Believe me, I praise God for how much He has protected Dan's vision and has allowed him to continue reading, working, driving, etc. He truly has protected us from so much, and I am grateful.

So, even though I am feeling deeply sad from all of this I know that God continues to be faithful, He loves me more than I can understand, He is saddened by all of these things as well, and I find peace in Him while waiting for that day when I will rest in His Glory perfectly.

Until that day I will be sad for a time and will then pick myself up and keep going, doing my best to accomplish the works He has called me to do. What a great God He serve.


On a lighter note, my children have been entertaining each other while on the potty. First it was Madelyn. Now Madelyn is entertaining Elijah while he is on the potty. She keeps carrying over Christmas decorations and being silly with them while he giggles like crazy.

We were going to watch a Christmas movie, but they seem to just be having so much fun as they now play in water.

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